After interacting with thousands of couples over the past fifteen years, we’ve noticed one key ingredient missing in struggling marriages: grace.
The Wrong Gas Station
I was running late one morning for a meeting (not unusual), and I needed to swap cars with my wife before headed to the meeting. My wife called me and said, “Your car needed gas, so I am filling it up for you. Why don’t you meet me at the gas station? That way, you can leave from there and save time.”
You’re probably thinking what I was thinking: My wife is amazing.
I drove to the gas station. I drove around and around, and I couldn’t find her. On my third lap around the parking lot, my wife called.
“Where are you?” she asked.
“I’m at the gas station. Where are you?”
“Which gas station? I’m at the one on Highway 100.”
“Well, I’m at the one on Highway 70. I’ll stay here, and you can meet me here.”
I hung up the phone. I was frustrated. As I sat there, I felt my irritation grow. Now I was going to be really late, I thought. This was her fault. If she had gone to the right gas station, I wouldn’t be in this situation, I thought.
Then, I felt God speak to my heart: Are you really going to be angry with your wife when she went out of her way to serve you? Where is the grace?
By the time my wife arrived, appreciation had replaced my anger. I knew what was true. She had not caused me to run late. We had simply driven to different locations. There was no malice, no ill intent. It was a mix-up.
The Missing Ingredient
Ephesians 4:32 tell us, “[B]e kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” In other words, extend grace!
When a marriage lacks grace, the entire dynamic of the relationship shifts:
- Small things turn into big fights.
- We continually question motives.
- Our tempers are short and easily lost.
- We make assumptions.
- Anger leads the way.
- We bring up the past, constantly.
- We always keep score.
Do these sound familiar? When grace is absent, three words dominate the relationship: You. Owe. Me. The relationship becomes about what one can get from the other and the inevitable failures when one of you cannot deliver.
A husband becomes furious with his wife for driving to a different gas station. A wife focuses on everything her husband does wrong and not on what he does right. After some time, you may find yourself extending grace to others that you withhold from your spouse.
You cannot grow a strong marriage from this place.
Two Ways to Add Grace to Your Marriage
1. Pause Before You React. The next time you feel frustration rising toward your spouse, take a deep breath and ask yourself, Is this truly intentional, or just a misunderstanding? A five-second pause can prevent unnecessary conflict.
2. Remember God’s Grace for You. Take a few minutes this week to reflect on your own imperfections and how God loves you anyway. When you recognize how much grace God extends to you, it becomes easier to extend it to your spouse. “Indeed, we have all received grace upon grace … through Jesus Christ.” (John 1:16–17). When your heart is connected to God’s grace, extending that same grace to the person you love most becomes second nature.
Check out More Marriage Resources
Resilient: A Men’s Seven-Day Devotional
How to Add Grace to Your Marriage
30 Days of Prayer to Grow a Strong Marriage
5 Conversations to Help Your Marriage Thrive at Christmas
4 Signs Your Fast-Paced Life is Killing You
