If you are reading this article, there is high certainty you are walking through a miscarriage right now. From one husband who has walked this road, to another… I am sorry. I am sorry that you have had to watch the woman you love more than anything in this world go through what she has had to go through. I am sorry you have gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lowest within a matter of weeks. As husbands, we look for solutions not to fix but to help in some way. Going through this twice now, I have learned that no one can fix this problem. There is only one thing that we can do for our wives… we can lead.
Leading into the unknown of what a miscarriage brings is terrifying, and I hope that reading these 5 actions can help you lead your wife to true fulfillment in Jesus Christ.
1. Comfort her in truth.
This means simply comforting your wife in the truth of the Word. For a lot of us, we have no idea what to do in situations of disaster. We tend to reach for anything to say to make our loved ones stop crying or feel better. Stopping your wife from crying or feeling better is not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is for her to be comforted in the Truth. The truth of who she is in Christ. The truth that she is a daughter of God and that God hears her cries. The truth that she is your wife, and that you are one with her and will walk with her through this. These truths don’t stop the crying, but these truths build a foundation for how God is going to reconcile His daughter to Himself, and how He is going to use her through this.
2. Protect her heart and mind.
When friends and family find out about the horrible news, they are going to want to do everything to help and better the situation. Protect your bride from the vague question of “Is there anything we can do?” or “How can we help?” The correct answer for your family is “Bring our baby back! That’s how you can help!” Unfortunately, you know they don’t deserve that response and they are only wanting to help. Protect your bride’s heart and mind by already having ways for people to help or support. This can look like having friends or family come and clean your house, buy groceries, or asking for specific prayers. Anything to help your bride’s heart and mind not be pulled from the situation at hand. There will be a time for her to put her hands back to these things, but not while it is still a fresh wound.
3. Allow her to grieve openly.
This means making sure she knows she can break down and experience a wave of grief. Grief comes in waves, and we should never expect to put our way of grieving onto someone else. Some of us grieve by crying, others grieve by doing mindless projects. Whatever that might look like, allow your wife the space and freedom to do so. This is not going to end or stop after a period of time. My wife still, after years of grieving, stops to cry for our two babies on their days of passing. Let her know that you are there for her through her grieving and that you support her through it.
4. Allow her to see you grieve.
This is the hardest one of all. I thought you wanted us to lead our wife through this? How can her seeing us breaking down lead her? This was the one thing that allowed my wife to know that she wasn’t alone. That she isn’t the only one who sees all the baby announcements on Facebook and thinks, “Why God?” That she isn’t the only one who walks by the nursey at church and wonders if there is something she did to cause this. A lot of the same things you are thinking and feeling are the same things your wife feels as well. This is what is beautiful: you are the only personal one that she can truly connect with about all of this, but she has to see you grieving just like her. Satan is going to cast lies into her mind that she is alone, and that is not the truth. Allow her to see you cry. Allow her to hear the prayers and the questions that you are asking God. Allow her to truly see what is going on in your heart.
5. Take one day at a time.
I wish I could give you the end of this story, but I can’t. My journey on this path is ongoing and I don’t see any end in sight, but there has been something that has changed in my journey. God has reconciled my wife and me to Himself. He has shown Himself to be fully faithful and gracious throughout this traumatic experience, and the only way we could see that is by taking it one day at a time. Who knows what the future holds for you and your wife, but you do know what today holds. You know you have a God who hears you and mourns with you.
This is not what he had planned from the beginning of creation. “But God being rich and mercy, because of his great love that he had for us, made us alive with Christ even thought we were dead in our trespasses. You are saved by grace!” (Ephesians 2:4-5) We have something to live for today and that is Christ Jesus our Savior! Lead your wife to him daily and you’ll never regret it.