Raising children with disabilities comes with a unique mix of joys, sorrows, moments of pure delight, and utter exhaustion. Given the time, energy, and emotional strength it takes to raise children with special needs, it’s easy to unintentionally overlook the needs of their neurotypical siblings. They, like their parents, though, often carry a complex range of emotions.
Intentional efforts to create space for them can go a long way. There’s no such thing as perfect balance in parenting, but I’ve learned four practical ways to help siblings feel seen, heard, and unconditionally loved inside a special needs world:
1. Be purposeful with one-on-one time.
Regular, undivided attention can have a lasting impact on the heart of a sibling. When so much of life revolves around managing a child’s special needs, therapies, medical appointments, or sensory overwhelm, it can be hard to carve out alone time for other children in the family.
In two-parent families, consider trading off with your spouse for a one-on-one walk, ice cream outing, board game, movie, or dinner date with siblings. Our daughter Camille loves the privilege of staying up late for a movie and popcorn with us after her sister is tucked into bed. Even just 20 minutes of frequent, focused time can send a clear message: You are important, too.
We also remind her that, just like her sister, she is deeply loved, not forgotten, and created and treasured by God. (Psalm 139:13-14).
2. Acknowledge their feelings—even the big, scary ones.
Neurotypical siblings often experience dueling emotions: One moment they’re filled with deep adoration for their sibling with special needs, and the next they feel frustration, sadness, or even anger. One emotion doesn’t cancel the other, and even young children can hold both grief and joy at the same time. Grief and joy are not mutually exclusive.
Acknowledging that you, as the parent, sometimes feel this same inner conflict can be powerful. We’ve found that affirming Camille’s reality is half the battle. Simple statements like, “It’s okay to feel the way you feel. It’s okay to be upset. I know you deeply love your sister,” can open the door to deeper connection.
In these moments, we can comfort our children by reminding them that even the hard and confusing parts of our family life and this special needs journey are being woven into a bigger, better, good story. We can trust that God’s plans for our family are good. “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28).
Admitting openly to a sibling that your child with special needs requires an extraordinary share of your time and attention can also remind a sibling they are loved and seen. Acknowledging that your attention isn’t perfectly balanced between your children doesn’t fix or change it, but it can affirm a sibling’s experience.
3. Allow siblings to set boundaries.
Most neurotypical siblings want to be active participants in family life, including helping with the daily care of their sibling with special needs. This desire is natural. It becomes a slippery slope, though, when their involvement shifts from life-giving to burdensome. This shift often happens slowly over time, and before some parents realize it.
Encourage participation in ways that feel meaningful, but avoid turning siblings into “junior parents.” If you notice them slipping into “junior parent role,” try adjusting your language. For instance, ask siblings, “Would you like to help me by sitting next to your sister while she eats? If not, that’s okay,” instead of, “I need you to sit next to her right now.” Give siblings permission to say no without guilt.
Remember a sibling’s decision to step back is not from lack of love. Often, it’s a normal, healthy act of self-care. Let them help, but above all, let them be kids.
4. Create space for their own support system.
Every child needs a strong support system for their overall well-being, mental health, and development. For neurotypical siblings, a support system is crucial given the emotional layers of their role and identity in the home.
A healthy support network can help them build resilience, feel seen, and foster a positive outlook. In particular, a support network in “their own world” outside of the special needs world is vital for developing a healthy identity and overall sense of belonging.
Find a mentor for them, arrange time with a therapist, schedule regular visits with extended family members, or encourage peer friendships. Say yes to playdates, even when they’re inconvenient or messy, and allow them to invite friends over. Remind them that they have a unique calling and purpose in their lives that will not be overshadowed by the needs of their siblings with special needs. (Ephesians 2:10).
Neurotypical children who grow up with siblings with disabilities live a one-of-a-kind experience. The role comes with unique challenges, but it also shapes them into people with extraordinary compassion, joy, and love. By creating intentional space for them, you help these remarkable individuals grow into some of society’s most empathetic and impactful members.
Check out More Special Needs Resources
Depending on God in Trials as a Special Needs Parent
Supporting Neurotypical Siblings of Special Needs Children
What Does the Gospel Say About My Child with Special Needs?
How Can I Trust My Special Needs Child Understands the Gospel?
Grace in the Chaos Episode 9: The Mason Family
